My 3 Favourite Songs for the Moment

1. Vaishnava Janato
2. Vande Matharam
3. Jana Ghana Mana

I have learned

I have learned ....
that you cannot make someone love you.
All you can do is stalk them, hope they panic and give in

I have learned ....
that no matter how much I care
Some pple are just a**holes

I have learned ....
that it takes years to build trust, and
it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it

I have learned ....
that it takes charm to get by the first fifteen minutes,
after that, you'd better have lots of money

I have learned ....
that you should'nt compare yourself to others-
they are more screwed up than you think

I have learned ....
that we are responsible for what you do, unless
you are celebrities

I have learned ....
that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house,
one of your kids did it or their friends did it

I have learned ....
that the pple you care for most abt in life are taken from you too soon
and all the less impt ones just never go away

Pass this to 5 good friends, trust me they will appreciate it
Who knows maybe something good will happen

If not... tough shit!!

OH KING OF MATHURA

Early early in the morning the thought arose

to go back to Gokul... in the King of Mathura’s mind

Oh lord of Mathura why you going to Gokul?

Shedding this opulent attire of yours

Oh son of Nanda why you removing the beautiful crown from your head?

Giving up sovereignty of your land

Why you playing the flute again?

Oh lord of Mathura why you going to Gokul?

What unique song did the blackbird sing?

That made abdicate your throne without a second thought?

What single song did the blackbird sing?

That the pangs of separation stirred anew in your heart?

The heart of my Lord is no longer in kingly matters

His heart thinking of his beloved's smile

His eyes recalling the face he left in Gokul?

Oh lord of Mathura why you going to Gokul?

Men and women watched with anxious eyes

The flowers strewn on my Lord's bed felt like thorns

Mathura watched with anxious eyes

As my Maadhav stayed awake the whole restless night

Why did you call the charioteer in the middle of the night?

Oh Lord of Mathura?...

How will you travel alone in the middle of the night?

Where will you lay your head to rest Oh Govinda?

Wont you be hungry, thirsty and tired my Lord?

Slowly reaching the shores of Ma Jamuna

Lonely banks, soft breeze, familiar places, distant memories

Very slowly reaching the shores of Jamuna

My Madhav felt the bittersweet pangs

A melancholic smile appeared on Gopala's lips

Why can’t you forget her, My Lord of Nagarpathi?

Your love is now a complete housewife

Getting new milk and busy the whole day

The tears of separation have long since been wiped away

She is now getting on with her life

Then why awaken the pain again?

Oh lord of Mathura why are you going to Gokul?

WAS'NT I???

Was'nt I living a carefree life

Or were'nt you happy to see me fly so high

Why then Lord did you shove him into my life

Just to make me fall heads over heels in love with that guy

Are'nt you God, happy to see me cry

Or must you take him to your beloved reside??

Strange, interesting or best left unsaid???

I went to Batu Caves a week ago and bought a picture of Venkadachalpathy. Upon return to Sg, I took in to Perumal Temple got it blessed and installed the deity on my prayer door.
Putting my Stevie
Spielbergie cap, I got
down to taking snaps
on my mobile.

Nothing strange about that except one of the pictures got blurred and had some rather interesting details to it.

Strange, interesting or best left unsaid???

CWOS-complete waste of space

Lately, nah corrections.... well as far as I can remember nothing has been going right or has gone right for me.

Job - pathetic
personal life - uncertain
family life - bitter taste in my mouth
friends - well they are there but thats all there is to it, but i cant blame them.
What else can they do
acquaintance - seriously cant deal with this lot at the moment
driving test - failed for the 2nd time
finance - tight,VERY!!!
weight/body - oof rather not go there
health - see weight
mind - not at all at peace
soul - still searching
spiritual - i cant get it right how much i try

Feel like a wasted blob of space. Nothing has gone right for me since i can remember.
God i wish i would just melt away.... really cant stand being so useless in every aspect of my life.

The Tool

OM

Been going to Yoga class at True Yoga at Takashimaya!!

Short getaway to London

Mission 1: Semi-successful
Mission 2: I dont know yet

To sum up my short getaway to London in one word would be CRAP!!

....

Wow!!! What!! At Last!!

Wow!!

Got a job!!! I am working with MCYS as a Corporate Communications Executive. It was Day 1 today. The work I am undertaking is very interesting. My projects for the next 3 months include Phase II of the Heritage Gallery at the MCYS building on the 17th May 2007, a 60th anniversary commemorative book and a grand dinner (July 2007) at the Shangri-La Hotel with the President as the guest of honour. I will be conceptualizing and executing the launches of these projects with an event management team. I am quite looking forward to it. People at work are great, working environment is also nice though I am still blur about many many things.

I am used to the getting up in the morning thanks to my running regime. The travelling to work does put me off, it costs almost $12 to cab it to work. Ah the highs and lows of working life - and so my work life journey begins.

What!!

K and me on a break!! This time its not becos of my big mouth or any issues between us. Things were going pretty smoothly when K stumbled upon some rather startling news about his in-laws which honestly scared the shit out of me. Therefore, he felt that he should now handle things on his own and it would be in my best interest to be out of the picture til June.

I dont know how long I would last without not actually seeing him. Ahhhhhh I am missing him already!!!

At Last!!

I am leaving for LONDONNNNNNNNNNN!! Yes! Yes! Yes! I am so excited!!!! The trip has been conveyed to my mates in the capital - the last heard from the grapevine was that there is going to be dhool at the airport... Dholi Taro Dhol Baje... Gee I got to practise my bhangra moves, black grooves and white coolness - basically I got to be something I am definitely not. So much for my South Indian pride eh.... But still... Oh am so excited...

Manners!!! Mind your manners!!!

A 6 month course on Emily Post's ettiquette-thats what every single Singaporeans need to attend. It should compulsory, enforcable by law and punishment by jail term if defaulted. The course fees should be subsidized by the government as part of upgrading social skills for the entire nation and the remaining of the course fee deducted from CPF ordinary account.

The target demography should be Chinese followed by Malays and then Indians-why I think expatriates also need to go brush their social skills as they also seem to be losing their well sense after mixing with the locals here.

1. Imbeciles who bump into people and not say sorry.
2. Dorks whether walking with two ladies or one, taking the curb side of the pavement.
3. How about when these morons sandwiching themself between ladies when trying to pass through.
4. Pinheads who ran to get their seats at buses and trains with no regard that there is a female, child or an elderly standing next to them.
5. Idiots who blatantly cut lines

Oh and the list can go on and on. Lets face it, Singaporeans are just damn rude. They have absolutely no social skills.

Will it kill you to be nice to people??

Sometimes I dont blame the people, this is a country which needed a campaign to be courteous to people.

Where she gone??

My running regime seems to have slacked for the past week or so. I used to get up and go... rain or shine... but nowadays a sense of complacency has settled in.

I no longer am jumping out of bed in exuberant at 645am but rather laze in my bed til abt 730pm then give meself the silly silly excuse that the sun is blazing so I should lay in.

This is bad news. I felt so bad about skipping my running yesterday morning that I dragged myself to run in the evening. I felt so good and exhilarated after the run. But it all went out of the window this morning again as I curled up in bed til 11 am.

I have lost my motivation and I am becoming conceited with my weight loss.

I need to snap out of this!!!

I need to come up with an interesting and challenging routine...

I have to come back with full swing!!!

I cannot be looking fat!!! I need to (No), I have to lose my wobbly bits!!!

Oh, where have I gone???

My gain, my loss - My darned weight saga

I have incorporated weights and a skipping rope to my running regime. I have been running for slightly over a week now-my mornings are no longer wasted curling up under my thick duvet. My day begins with my mom's piercing voice to sort my brother for school at 6am and the wonderous greeting of my alarm clock at about 7am. A calm sun salutation is followed by a simple breathing excercise, stretching, running, sit-ups, cruches and ending it all with the contortioning of my limbs into mild yoga/pilates positions.

I never liked running in the wild before always preferring to sweat it out in the comfort of an air-conditioned gym. But that has gone out of the window now, I do like taking my wild side to the public park now.

I do hope that this saga with my weight gain and loss comes to an end, its been going for way too long. I have cut down my carb (rice) intake greatly substituting my dinner with a green apple, an orange and a glass of milk.

My back doesnt ache as much as before and I do feel a little bit lighter, though I have tons to lose. I was a lot lighter in London, but after coming to Singapore it all went pear shaped (so did I).

The reason for my plight, I can only narrow it down to Indian food and my mom's cooking? Tough to single out one actually. I guess its my deep rooted love for food and my big mouth- again

My horrible tele-conversational skills: EDITED!!

K blasted me today-for being rude to him last Friday. I was told off calmly by that man, to be honest I have never felt so chagrined.

I had a less than one minute conversation last Friday where I opted out the usual politness, jumped straight into the conversation, spoke quite off-handedly and hung up rather abruptly. Though I didnt mean to be offend him, I guess I came across uncultured, un-mannered and unrefined. In all fairness, after hearing him speak, I feel I did sound insolent, impundent and impertinent. Given the situation I should have been a bit more tactful and calmed down a tad after he dropped his tone. Time and again my mates in Singapore have complained that I sound very abrupt over the phone, which I always dismiss with much disbelief, shock and horror all with a hint of embarrassed laughter.

This incident made me seriously reflect on all those comments by my friends and recall a recent telly incident involving my bro's girlfriend and myself. That incident spiralled so much so that my brother ended up breaking up with his girlfriend. (Thank God they have patched back lest I wouldnt have forgiven myself)

My tele-skills have become a problem which I have to eradicate. I did not accept it before, but I do now. I indeed have to correct my oral skills via the phone (I speak perfectly well in person-i really do actually), after all the physical essence is absence and there is a higher chance of being misunderstood. Sometimes we say stuff and it doesnt affect people but at other times we say the same things and it may spark a whole array of emotions. The fault lies not with the sender, the situation nor the reciever it but rather the potent combination of the mixes.

In conclusion, I am upset to have put myself through this experience. I feel bad in putting K in discomfort and in addition, all the other people who had endured such an unpleasant experiences with me. All of these negative emotions could have been avoided if I had been a little bit more sensitive and sensible.

Though I don't entirely agree with his reasoning, I can understand his disconcert and empathize where he is coming from.

Guess sometimes it doesnt matter if you dont mean it, one has to be responsible for their actions regardless. It indeed wasnt nice of me to have spoken to him that way be it I meant it or not, nor if the timing was right or not. There is absolutely no excuse for bad manners.

I am going back to The Elementary School of Good Mannerisms. Wish me luck!!!

The Hunt for Emerald

The search is on to get a nice natural emerald (not the synthetic ones you see in Tekka) for my right pinky finger. Apparently its suppose to bring you loads of money, good luck and ward off evil spirits. I am looking high and low for a natural emerald mined only in Columbia with the right cut, tone, clarity, hue, colour.


So last Saturday was spent at Hilton Hotel at a gem auction. It was my first time in Singapore and I must say I was rather annoyed!! Yes you guessed it, the pple in Singapore have absolutely no sense of manners, oh how they inched way forward peering into the glass panels not giving two hoots for the pple behind them and how they cut pple to be served first. It was ruthless, annoying and frankly speakng spoke so much of their class. So much for carrying loud Louis Vuitton and those blinging gold damn Lolex watches eh???

I didnt bid for anything but yes the search for my perfect Emerald continues....

When words mean more than what they actually mean

I recently been in the midst of some squabbles unwittingly torn between my blood relation and a friend, torn between whats right and whats not acceptable.

People usually understand the effect words have on people. Actions speak louder than words, sadly in most cases little do people realise that its actually the latter. Actions once done can be rectified or apologised for/made up for but words once said can hardly be recovered. There is this famous quote in tamil " A fire burn can dry up in time. Words of fire can never be dried up nor forgotten."

A recent incident where blogging on net caused some very unfortunate turn of events resulting in permenant damage to a friendship and a relatonship. Where affairs of the heart are concerned people are very careful when it comes to their heart but not so much when it is other's feelings. Whatever happened to unspoken words which mean more than a 1000 spoken words. Witnessing all this just made me feel bitter towards people and cast doubts in my faith on people.

I realise for myself I can never see my loved ones get hurt. If it means eating a humble pie I would do it anytime. I regret I didnt do it.

Always be careul what you say to somebody u love/loved, it may be the last time you see that person. When u leave somebody walk away seeing a smile on their face. And when somebody thinks/talks/hears of you let it be a plesant memory and not a bitter one. Live and let live.

1st year anniversary!!!

Let the celebrations begin, its been one yr since I have started blogging. I was looking thru all my blogs. I was smiling throughout the reading. Melancholy has been my fav emotion.

Ah well, its a wonderful worldddddddddd!!!

Homeway's Neengal Kettavai

The telecast of me and my bro singing "Nethu Orutharai" was shown on the 23rd Sept 2006. I looked fat and so serious whilst my bro was hyping it up by over performing (hahaha or at least thats what I think). We looked so cute together, I love it when me and my bro are on stage/platform-there is a certain kind of "Donnie and Marie" effect to the final product.

I was wearing a black dress from Monsoon with a green hanky tied around my neck looking all la'rodeo and me hair was neatly tied into a pony tail. My bro was wearing jeans and a denim shirt tugged out with Aviator glasses.

The recording was done in Jan/Feb. I was way too fat then, see I was going through depression at that time. I had just come back from London and I so didnt want to be in Singapore, hence I let myself go completely. I figured the black dress would sort of hide my big belly but it only highlighted my wobbly bits. Damn you fats!! Anyway my face looked gorgeous and I looked way much younger than my age.

Its strange getting nods from people I dont know. My students at HSS made a huge fuss about my dancing (they say repeatedly), I had to correct them by adding I was singing too. Ah bless them, they were supportive.

Am starting my diet (again, I know) on Tuesday. I have taken a few days from school to sort out some things. It will be a good break and I might just might sneak to Bangkok for a few days.

Am I or am I not??

Shit!!! Looks like i am!

When it all gets a little bit too much

Loads had happened in the past few weeks. Now Im getting tired, all the roller coaster rides and attention is bogging me down and I just want to disappear(yes you guessed it right-to good ol'London)

I have grown older but nonetheless not wiser. I realise I keep going back to the same point in my life which is really pissing me off and my solution before and now is also the same!!-To go away.

Guess I am so busy wit life and the mundane pple we meet and greet everyday that I forget to be myself. I forget that I exist. The thought is scary becos I am losing in touch with myself, sometimes i feel that I am in some sort of a vacum. I dont feel anything and I refuse to let anything get to me.

Urghhhhhhhhhhh.... Something is just not right!! I need to get out. Damn!! I need a holiday.

I want to go home!!

...to London that is. I spoke to Turi a few days back and I realise I miss London so much!!! Its been almost half a year since I came back and I still cant really get used to Singapore. Its really sad actually. This is where I was born and bred, all my famly is here but I still have a sense of not being at home. To put it plainly I miss being me.

I was suppose to elope to London in the first week of August but my short-term teaching stint stopped me. Well I could have simply given the school some story and taken off for a few weeks but my conscience just wouldnt let me do so. I am teaching English in a secondary school and am preparing a few classes for their final year, I cannot play with about 100 odd students future (not that the students really give a damn about missing their Eng. lessons!!) but still I cant go against my principles. Besides my mom is going to India end of the month and she pleaded wit me to postpone my plans til September!!

So am stuck...waiting as the seconds tick by hoping the time will pass soon enough and I can be at Heathrow Airport. God the very thought of it is making me smile.

Damn u London, how I miss u so!!!!

I flipped!

Place: Singapore Immigration
Date : 23 July 2006
Time : Between half eight to 9 pm

So there I was standing in the long long queue, my mom was in the next queue. I was very hot and bothered and just wanted to get home and jump into shower. Me and my mom had a long day in Malaysia for our monthly spa treat. The queue at the Sngapore immigration was so slow moving and I was tired. All of a sudden there was a Chinese girl standing next to me, I took a double turn, I was pretty sure she wasnt there initially. Whats worse was that she was trying to worm her way infront of me, my ears started to get hot and I felt my anger building inside me. I didnt want to make a scene nor accuse her of jumping the queue and I thought "Sack it, I am way too tired to say anything. Been waiting for so long anyway, whats another few seconds if she went before me". But I couldnt, I just simply couldnt. Something in me just snapped. I turned to the Indian girl behind me and asked if the Chinese lady was there before. She said no and said that she just walked right in. We were conversing in a normal tone but the Chinese lady pretended not to hear anything and was still edging forward. I tapped her shoulder and said very softly " U jumped the queue, I am next" She completely ignored me. That so did it for me. I said in a very loud voice " U jumped the queue, ur not going next". Everybody in the line infront of me turned to look at her. She still stood there. I turned back to the Indian girl and said " After me make sure u go next. Do not let her go". She was grateful but that Chinese lady still stood there defiantly. I didnt give a shit by then, I was not going to let her through. The man infront of me was at the counter and that Chinese lady was still trying to go infront of me. I said again loudly and very very rudely "I am not letting you through, its my turn next". I pushed past her to the counter and did my formalities. By then I was prepared for anything and was ready for a fight if she provoked me. Just as I was about to leave the counter I turned behind to see who is coming after me. The Chinese lady was about to take a few steps, I gave her a stare and beckoned the Indian lady behind her to come next. I then turned to the immigration officer and said to her "That Chinese lady jumped the queue, the Indian girl is next" and left the place. I was still boiling from the incident. I just cant believe how uncouth people can be. No sense of common reasoning. I know that its a simple issue but its the principle of it all. I wouldnt do it to somebody and I definitely will not let anybody do that to me.

So we were at the bus to go to Kranji MRT, my mom was sitting in the seat facing the other seat. I was in another seat not too far away from my mom. My mom (window seat) was seating facing a female (window seat) and a male (aisle seat). I heard my mom say "Ur stepping on my feet". I inched forward to see whats happening, its that Chinese girl and her boyfriend. A few seconds later, my mom said again "I told u, ur stepping on my feet isnt it?" and saw m mom reasoning with the boyfriend. I got up and shouted at that Chinese lady, by that time everybodys' attention was turned towards whats happening. I still cant remember what I said but she stopped immediatedly and her boyfriend apologised. I told him off as well.

We got off the bus, a few passengers were smiling at me. I was so angry, my mom told me to calm down. I only managed to calm myself when I reached home.

People in this country are disgusting. They are selfish and would do anything to inconvenience others given a chance. Its amazing how people can bring out the beast in you. The younger generation are worse. I have been relief teaching in my younger brother' Sec School for the past one week. Defiant, rude, lazy, disrespectful and bad attitude are the attibutes of the young generation of Singapore. It has been only week and I had a showdown with some students in the school. I heard from the staff room's grapevine that I am the only teacher who is clamping down hard on students who are disruptive in class. I mean where is the authority of teachers? The classroom is the teaches' domain and I am shocked that most teachers are so relaxed with discipline in school.

All of this is not making me a better person just a bitter person, its really making me rethink my decision to come to Singapore. Is it all worth it? Time only can tell.

I can say so many things but...

"I can say so many things but I think I will maintain my class"

"Right you were so sorry that it took almost a month before u could utter a sorry and that too after I brought up the topic. U didnt apologise for an incident before that too. Did you not feel the need to apologise or were u waiting for me to bring up the incident too. Im not interested in you half baked sorries "bleep". I can go on and on but i guess it takes a bigger man to listen."

The first a phone conversation and the other via text, said/sent to 2 different people for two very different circumstances. One an ex-boyfriend and the other a friend, both I have known for almost a decade. But the jist of it was the same!! I wasnt treated right and I aint gonna let anybody step all over me. Gone are the days when I said "U missed a spot right here on my face you should step here too". I am not going to give excuses for anybodys bad/inconsiderate behaviour.

I mean whats the point in telling these jack-asses just how much of a jack-ass they have been when these jack-asses themself know. I am not saying that one cannot make mistakes, we all do. I have a million times but if the apology/explanation comes at its own leisure then it just aint worth it, cos the apology really doesnt mean shit to the person saying it and ironically by that time it means jackshit to the person hearing it too.

I can say many things but... there is a great difference in saying it and meaning it.

Temple Tour

I hopped down to M'sia for 2 weeks in a row now. Two weeks ago I went on a spa treat. Honestly the ones in S'pore are just pathetic and a complete waste of time and money, they dont spa you properly and I end up being in more bodily pain than before. Even the so called hyped ones are just crap. Guess it all boils down to having pride in your work, Singaporeans just work for the sake of it unlike people from other countries. So I went to M'sia with Mama and had a brilliant facial, an out of the world full body massage, a pedicure and manicure and a head massage. In my opinion, the following are ranked the best in full body massages:-

1. Swedish
2. Germans
3. Thais
4. Indonesian
5. Malays

Last week I went on a temple tour with me family, aunties, cousins, nieces and nephews. We hired a huge comfy bus and left S'pore at 4am Sat. It was fun, we stopped more for food than for temples. We went to three different temple but the one we went the last was absolutely fabulous. It was dedicated to Munieeswaran, the temple was called Shri Sivasankara Vaal Muni Vanna Muni Appa Temple.

The whole temple was dedicated to Kaaval deities. I always had an atraction/affiliation to Kavaal deities and I simply loved it. The deities were at least two and half my size and we could go into the Karpagiraha. We all looked like a dwarf standing next to the deities. As I was wondering the temple, I saw her-in her full glory all tall and almighty-KALI, Sudugaatu BathraKali. She looked so beautiful even in her ferocity I could see a sense of calm in her. I bought a ghee lamp and went around the temple. There was Goddess of Mercy, yes u heard right there were Chinese deities in the temple too-Monkey God Shri Tai Sing Yen, Shri Kuanti and Shri Chee Kung. All equally huge deities ereted in prominent places and given the same respect, devotion and attention given as they would and should in a Chinese temple. There was Buddha, Mother Mary in the temple all side by side with Hindu and Chinese deities. I saw tolerance and respect for other religion in its optimum in this temple. So there I was walking alone around the temple, silently doing my prayers and admiring the sculptures in awe. I came by Shri Simma Munieswarar, it was in the form of a huge man sittin on a throne with a huge knife in his right arm with a lion face. I couldnt move, I couldnt go any nearer nor could I turn back and walk away. He was awesome! I was disappointed with myself for getting a wee bit scared. I couldnt go near him to touch his feet. Then I went into this room filled with more than a 100 picures and sculptures of Chinese, Hindu and Christian deities. I could feel such holy presence in that room. There was a 6 feet Sivalinga and 12 feet Shiva, Parvati, Vishnu... it was sucha treat for my eyes. There is another deity of Muniswaran which is A 100 YRS OLD. As I went back to KALI, one of her lamps was out, I lit it with my ghee lamp and I fely very nice within myself.

I thoroughly enjoyed myself at this temple. The is not fully completed yet and is in the midst of nowhere in a jungle. As I left the temple I promised myself I will return and when I do I will definitely contribute a huge sum (of my earnings/winnings) to the temple in my fathers' name for the development of the temple.

The next night I was dreaming of cleaning the floors of that same temple now fully completed. I felt very good.

My love My hate

So I have been depressed for the last couple of days. Living with my family again is a whole new chapter for me AGAIN. There is just so much co-ordination, consideration, effort, adjustment, time and energy to be invested. Not that i feel that its not worh it, its just that i have to get used to it all over again.

See its not like before where I can just say what i think, do what i please and be whatever I want to be or fancy for that point in time. Nobody was there to judge me , correct me nor emotionally black mail me!! Now I have to stand within certain limitations and boundaries and that just isnt washing done well with me.

I love my family, I can kill for them. For legal reasons that has to interpreted as I can do anything for my family within my sense of reasoning..hahaha that explanation is not going to give me any defense/immunity in any court.

Anyway now I cant afford to do what I want to do and that is depressing me plus my weight!!! I have gone so fat. I cant seem to go down beyond 59.5kg. That weight is adding on to my emotional torment. God, how I came here i will never know.

:(
A still depressed me.

I am dejected!!!

I am feeling very low today.

Nothing seems to be going right for me. Eveything looks very bleak, gosh I am so depressed i could literally feel meself sinking deeper and deeper.

Life sucks. My life sucks!!!

06.06.06

So its 'THE DAY' everybody is so hyped about. Apparently a 30 yr old from London is having nightmares ever since doctors told her that she will be due for delievery on "THE DAY" and she is hassling doctors to have her baby induced but to no avail. I really dont understand whats all the fuss, its a day in a given month in a given year. Get over it woman!! If God willed it to happen not even beelzebub can stop the course.

Moving on, I got a free treatment with London Weight Management for a body scrub and a hot blanket wrap. So there I was with the "consultant", she took my height and weight. Height 158cm Weight 63kg. (Hmm I had put on a little weight but I was pretty cool with that) The "CONSULTANT" went on to give HER recommendations. She said i was overweight for my height (which i already know, So i have put on 8kg in the last 6 months-big deal!!) She said my ideal weight for my height was 47kg (i gulped, so all these yrs my usual weight of 53kg was still not right for my height... damn... it dawned on me why the UK size 10 never really fitted me comfortably and why my mom always always made snide comments about my weight- I was flabbergasted, I am a fatty)

Came back home, and immediately joined my local gym. Well I have been gyming (a word i concoted which actually means I have been going to the gym)) for the past 7 days. I have made a decision to fit into a UK size 8 comfortably. I have lost some weight and I am giving meself 7 more weeks to lose at least ten kg!!

Wish me luck.

Signing Off
Fatty.

Amarkallam-The Explosion

Proposal number deux. Did a proposal for a tamil variety show titled "Amarkallam-The Explosion" to be submitted to Vasantham Central today, had to work on a short notice-3days!! Im not too happy with my work, only managed to do a decent job not an excellent one. Bala went to submit the proposal today, deadline was at 5pm. I hope that we will manage to secure this project as well.

Jayan from MDA called last Thursday asking me to send the soft copy of the "Engeyum Epothum-Absolute R3TRO". Does it mean that they are considering our proposal or just following procedures?

Went to Costa Sand Resort last Saturday, had a jolly good time with my cousins, nephews and neices. We gambled the whole night away playing 21, ate loads of food, scared the shit out of my cousins with ghost stories and then spent the next day soaking myself in the water resort. I had a fantastic time... should do it again sometime soon... oh I love my cousins!!

EnGeYuM EpOtHuM - Absolute R3tro

Saint Imaginations just submitted a proposal to produce a 5 episode tamil drama entitled "Engeyum Epothum - Absolute Retro" to MDA.

I personally went to MDA last Fri. to submit the proposal to a Mr. Jayan, it was pouring like rain just as I stepped out of my house. Good sign or bad sign I am not entirely sure, but to me I have always seen rain as a good sign, so lets hope we do get the thumbs up.

Ok switching topics, I am having a rather embarrassing crush on two totally different Asian men recently. Yes, you heard me right, ASIAN MEN!! I know I am Asian too, but I honestly havent fancied any Asian men for the past few years or so... not sure if its becos I wasnt exposed to Asian men whilst I was in London or if I just dont find em physically attractive or mentally stimulating. But I do now. Aikes!!

Right they are (drumroll)....

Seran, a producer from India whose acclaimed movies include "Autograph" (havent seen) and "Thavamaai Thavamirinthu"(saw the last quarter). I find this bloke so talented and I find myself smiling like a silly girl whenever I see him on telly!!! He is not that physically engaging but I am sure he must have a brilliant personality... a bubble which I am sure will burst soon enough. (I tend to get attached to a character in the movie if the actor played the role convincing enough, ie "Nicholas Cage" in "THE ROCK".. ahh Nicola) Seran plays such brilliant characters in these movies and his face, oh his face, especially when he looks disappointed, I frown in disappointment with him too. I find him displaying such subtle emotions about life and people with such passion and dedication. In the movie "TT" he shaves his head bald when his father dies, i mean had his head really shaven on screen. I actually felt like having a good cry at the end despite not fully seeing the movie. I simply adore his work and mmmm HIM!!!

Next... (drumroll again and play it even louder now)

Vikramaditya, an actor from India (AGAIN) whose lacklustre movies include "Visil"(seen), "Chinna"(seen) and "Pambara Kannale"(havent seen). His acting skills are not that convincing and has yet to be nurtured but still I find him so attractive. This is so not me I usually write off actors however good looking they may be if they dont deliver, but with him I lose my reasoning . Hate to admite but he is a basic actor but there is something about the way he presents himself on screen.. I dont know what but I cannot taken my eyes off him whenever I see him on telly. The strange fact is that he is not drop dead gorgeous but I do still grin like a pig. "Chinna" was shown yesterday and I was forcing myself to see that movie cos I couldnt find the remote and I didnt want to switch off the telly and go to sleep, and there he was mid-way thru the movie and I instantly found the story line interesting. I havent got any hunch about his personality but he is sooo charasmatic on screen, am pretty sure millions of girls will disagree with me... most of me friends do anyway.

What is happening to me? Tut tut, gotta STOP this madness now before I turn into one of "THEM GIRLS".

Yuck reading this mail back, I find this blog so girly. Oh heck am not gonna delete it, everygirl is allowed 1 girly blog arent they??

Hell Hath No Fury Like A Man Dumped

Friends and Acquaintances

Somebody asked me a few weeks ago "So how r u getting along with your friends there in Singapore?" to which I replied almost immediatedly "Oh I got no friends here only acquaintances". That statement made me stop to think.

But the truth was that I meant what I said!! I have accepted that my once upon a time friends are in fact no longer my friends. I have heard the time old defensive statement "Look nothing changed I am still the same old person, its you who have changed!!" but that is so wrong, people do change! Friends who havent lost in touch will not see the difference/change but it is not so with someone you havent seen or kept in touch with. I guess its very unfair and illogical to blame the 'friend' but thats how it works. When in doubt blame it on the sun.

I know I am not the same person and I refuse to apologise for my change. Its part and parcel of my evolving. If I started to apologise for what I have become then I will have start apologising for the person I have become.

So i guess it up to the idividual to say "hey I have changed but I still remember the good times so lets start again" or "Look nothing have changed, Im still the old person you used to know, its you have changed". Blame the sun or look at the friend you once knew and try to find a common ground.

Time changes, people change, environment changes and together with it all boundaries change as well...

My Shipment Arrived From London!!

After weeks of torment and liasing with Dolphin Movers in London, my shipment arrived from London yesterday!

To be honest I had nearly given up all hope, I really thought that Ben (shipping co-ordinator with Dolphin Movers) had sold all my stuff on e-bay. Ben had been unprofessional, unreliable, unethical, inefficient and complacent with regards to my shipment. It took 2.5 months for my shipment to arrive from London which by normal standards is appalling.

Anyway I am over the moon that its here. All my things are in place, I need a room instead of a wardrobe to fit all my shoes, bags, accessories and clothes. I was speaking to my Dad of buying a bigger house and was slowly inching him to give me two rooms, he laughed!! Guess I have to work on that one. If execueted properly I may very well get two rooms... hmm to be honest doubt it will ever happen in my pops' roof. We shall see!! Mission Begins....

Tera Chehra

The the most played out song in my life!!

Fantastic! Once upon a time I cringed whenever I heard ths song,then I sort of got over it, but now - I panick!! Excellent news for me!!

Was walking along Serangoon Road eating a nice hot 'Vadai' and condemning how 'unattractive' Singapore has become to me very bored mom, who by the way had no choice but to endure my comments. When suddenly one of the shops was playing this song. I literally stopped in my tracks panicking. I dropped my 'vadai'.

I lost my trail of thoughts for a moment. Flashbacks!! My memory jolted back to an 'incident' a few weeks back. The visual/audial tape in my mind rewinded. Stop, Play... I gulped!!

'Aiyoh! you dropped the vadai!! stop staring at it and lets go. What happened to you all of a sudden, you look like you have seen a ghost'. My moms' piercing voice cut my flashbacks short and the tape fast forwarded to the present... I muttered a meek no and continued walking and oh yes I didnt utter a word about anything after that... was quite devastated I dropped my 'Vadai' though

My mind went back to that 'incident'. I got a bit upset thinking about it and started feeling weird. But got over it soon after I bought another vadai for myself. Hmmm, got me thinking... strangely I still cannot fathom what happened nor draw any conclusions. I know I am ignoring the incident. aikesssssss.... not a good sign!!

Reason for my panic attack - What can I say?? I cant say!! I have to carry this one to my grave I suppose.

Damn you Adnan Sami!!!

The Last of the Mohicans

Friendship between male and female-one of the most interesting and complicated relations of all time.

'Its very simple' Sigmund Freud would say 'There isnt and cannot be any platonic freindship between these two species'.

An ex-boyfriend once quipped 'There is really a very thin fine line. One day or another one will cross over'.

I gave him a scorn, a grunt and argued with him that I will prove him wrong. While in my head i was thinking all these men have a psychological justification and a cognitive explanation so that they can give a logical reasoning when they cross the line.

But buying it, nah I didnt. I believed in platonic relationships.

Despite many revelations from both my guy friends and girl friends that they secretly fancy their, nonethless, attractive platonic mates who are of opposite sex. I still stuck to me guns. My reasoning, they are not good friends enough to see past it all.

When I was much younger I had my fair share of guy friends but there wasnt anything more than camaraderie in those relationships. In fact we were so chummy that I started looking upon them as my girlfriends and strangely brought out their effeminate qualities in them. Whilst on the flip side I became more of a tom-boy in their presence. Come to think of it now, I am not sure whether if that was a defense mechanism between the genders to put each other at bay or if it was just pure innocence. It was a time of bliss where a mate was not defined by what genitals but rather a name.

Fast forward a decade later, this time round it was a whole new ball game altogther. To my horror and at many a times to my amusement, my guy mates had repeatedly said inappropriate things or displayed inappropriate behaviour. Well I cant honestly blame them, for a good portion of us, attraction to the opposite sex is genetically “hardwired” into our psyche. There’s no way to avoid it. We find the physical form of the opposite sex attractive, the opposite sex exudes pheromones that we find attractive, even something as simple of the timbre of the voice of a member of the opposite can trigger a romantic response in us. Still no excuse for crossing the line. Not that I ever had crossed the line but the fact was that I did fancy a few, nonethless, attractive platonic friends of mine.

There were many instances where guy mates of mine started acting really weird infront of me, turned into jibbering idiots, made freudian slips now and then and did even more stupid but endearing things to cover their tracks. Ah bless. Not to be outdone I on the other hand, had found myself grinning like a cow everytime I saw my friend and used to get acute pangs of jealousy when they start talking about their girl friends. I had laughed with 'em, cried with 'em, felt sorry for 'em, got angry at 'em, got horribly childish with 'em, got emotional with 'em but most importantly had loved 'em.

Though the cat and mouse game played between the opposite genders are often viewed with much pun and amusement. The fact remains that if you are friends for that long a time, one is answerable. You do tend to question the intergrity of the "platonic friend" who crossed the line, value of the decade-long "friendship" and the mind-set of the "platonic friend" who took part in the charade especially if the reasons for the crossover is not clearly defined.

I hate to admit but I guess platonic friendship does not truly exist. I reckon its a transition concept used by both female and male before they eventually do the blind leap of faith.

Henceforth, anyone who swings by my life talking about such will definitely be given a piece of my mind.

Guess its welcome to the world... again, for me!!!!!

SAINT IMAGINATIONS

Its official.

Saint Imaginations is now a legal entity!! My Mom is very supportive of this venture, my Father strangely has become a bit skeptical and Mara has been very engagaing throughout. Projects have been lined up, hopefully we will enough money to have an office in 6 months time.

Keeping fingers crossed!!

Good Riddance

Another turning point a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist directs you where to go
So make the best of this test and don't ask why
It's not a question but a lesson learned in time

So take the photographs and still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time
Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial
For what it's worth it was worth all the while

It's something unpredictable
But in the end is right
I hope you had the time of your life

I am Leaving On a Jet Plane

So the day has arrived... leaving on a jet plane... After much hassle I left for the airport. Sayma's flight to Manchester was at 9.15 and she almost didnt make it ... After that I went to Terminal 1 with Nasfa, Heni, Khazan and Bobby. It was a teary farewell between me and Heni... I felt sad to leave her in London, but I know she will survive.

As I said my goodbyes and walked thru the gates, i felt good about coming back home. I was so excited that 'Mrs Henderson Presents' was one of the movies being played inflight. Within half an hour into the movie, I found myself suddenly waking up. God that blasted movie had put me to sleep. So much for Mrs henderson eh, i slept thru the rest of the 12 hours, I must say I had a good sleep.

Reached Singapore safe and sound, washed my face, made myself presentable and got on the cab to homeeee.... my parents were shocked and surprise to see me, I think more of a shock but they manage to underplay it well..hahahah..they were all happy to see me(i think)...

Called Sayma and Heni to confirm my arrival. The rest of the week saw me getting sick, still am. Hopefully I should recover soon. Still waiting for my cargo to arrive from London. All i have in my wadrobe now is really expensive and sexy lingerie and loads of formal wear and dresses. Not much of a choice if I want to go out to Bt Merah or anywhere local. So I ended up not meeting any of my mates giving them the time old excuse 'I am sick lah' in this case I genuinely am.

Its the Final Countdown

So this is the last Saturdy I will be spending in good ol' London. I kinda have settled down wih the idea of going back home. A little bit disappointed that plans to have my brother to come down to London went pear-shaped. Also Kalpana couldnt make it due to tickets. Guess i have to take the final steps alone, well maybe its for the best.

Had a quiet Xmas dinner with Heni, Janos, Nasfa, Mac and Khazan. Heni cooked roast chicken with roast potatoes whilst Nasfa cooked stir fried veg. rice. It was, well, quiet. Xmas day was spent lazing around the house and appreciating my space.

Am looking quite forward to having Sayma come down on the 28th, will be fun. I havent seen her in 2 years. Spoke to Rakesh and told him I am coming back on the 1st Jan, havent told my parents yet.. want to surprise them. Hopefully they wont be shocked. Packing my bags, winding things up and leaving London for good. I am feeling nostalgic, cant help it... its the way I am built. Strangely I am not thinking so much as I used to before, guess part of me feels this is for the best.

I do feel a sense of peace within me now.

Its the final countdown. I have now exactly 7 days left to go.

End of An Era

'Ur tickets have been confirmed' ...as soon as I heard these words all I could hear was every distraction in the room except the BA staffs' voice. I just blocked out whatever she was saying and a strange sense of relief and regret washed over me. I muttered a thank you and stepped outside. Can't believe I have just booked my LAST flight from London Heathrow to Singapore Changi. Damn I have been here for 10 years now, can't believe I am saying good-bye to a huge chunk of my life and the 'me' I have known and grown into. I immediatedly called Sayma (the true love of my life) and said 'I did it, its confirmed I am going back', meanwhile she had also booked her flight from Manchester to London to spend the last couple of days with me before I leave. We had both booked a flight back to our respective homes on the same day 45 minutes apart the departure time.

I was on the bus coming back to Hendon and I was looking at everything like I am seeing it for the last time and I couldnt help myself from crying... the tears were flowing like water from a fully filled glass for no apparent reason. Oh I felt like a fool sitting there on the bus trying not to cry and dabbing the corner of my eyes before the tears could stream down my cheeks.

Ten long years, I have indeed grown from the sensitive meek girl I once used to be. This country has taught me so much about myself, everything from my weakness to my strengths and all the odd in-betweens. Everything I needed to know about life I had learned here. I cried the most and laughed the most here in the United Kingdom. Is the real 'Me' still intact? Guess only Singapore can answer that question.

I came back and told Heni that I am going back home and gave Shafeena my 30 days notice to quit. I definitely wont be missing the household, Shafeena and of cos the miserable weather.

I am quite looking forward for Kalpana to come here from Singapore on the 13th Dec. I have known her since I was 13/14, it will be very sentimental for me to have her here with me during the last weeks of my saying 'adios' to London.

I am scared and worried. Its like starting all over again. I am not sure if I have lived up to the expectations of my parents, to be honest I dont even know what their expectations of me are. I hope I have become a better person for their sake.

I have a whole mixed array of emotions of many levels being played within me and its reminding me of the last scene in Meet Joe Black. In a reversal of roles Sir Anthony Hopkins says to Brad Pitt,

'Its hard to let go isnt it... Thats Life ...What can I say'

The Household

I cant stand living in this house anymore, yes its a very comfortable house but there is just so much politics going on here. Everybody bitching about everybody behind their backs. Shafeena playing people against each other to get information. Knowledge is power and her motto is divide and rule.

Me and heni are her longest running tenants and she tells us all her problems even if it doesnt concern us. She complains about other tenants to us instead of telling them straight up.

I have learnt so many things from her. I learned how to talk to people to get information out of em'...I call it interroragation without interroragation. I have learnt that if your are talking to one person, you keep an eye on the person next to you to see their facial expression. I have learnt that people talk no matter what, if you want words to travel just talk to the person next to you and the information will reach the intended source soon enough.

All these information has not made me a better person it only has made me a weary person. Gone are the simpler days when I use to think that everything is rosy and sweet and that the world was a better place. Now all I am seeing is seeing through people, their deceit, lies and videotapes.

If there was a washing machine for souls i will put my soul in and wash it for a day. I miss being around nice people.

Relationships

I mean really how do one categorise when one is in a relationship, what needs to be said or done??

Say you meet someone and u start going out with the person, does it mean you are dating that person or seeing that person? And if you are dating/seeing does that mean that you can date/see other people or not?? See I am massively confused here. Then at what stage does the term become girlfriend or boyfriend comes into use?

I know for sure when people get married, there is no confusion there. U go to the registry and you get the papers stating that your married and thats the end of the story. But in the case of the run-and-chase before the papers when is a relationship really a relationship?

A mate of mine once quipped, I am seeing somebody but Im not in a relationship with him nor am I dating someone else, am i the only person who cant make sense in what she is saying or is she talking pure crap?

I seriously do not know how to be in a relationship or for the matter know when I am in a relationship, all my notions of 'knowing how so' went out of the window after my last relationship.

Guess thats the price one pays when one is out of touch with reality for far too long...

Mayanks' Birthday

It was Mayanks' (Mac or Mackie boi) birthday last Saturday. Heni made Shafi cook about 5 Indian vegetarian dishes. Under the pretense of helping, I was sneaking bits and bobs of food into me mouth when no one was looking. Its amusing especially when strong women completely change when they start seeing somebody, they become all so docile and domesticated. Ah young love eh, sweet!!

Abu, this Asian guy from South Africa and his Polish girlfriend came to look at Connors' room. Heni made her admiration for his hot looks known to everybody in the house, I on the other hand played it cool. Connor is another housemate and he is leaving at the end of the month. Later on me and Heni went around the corner shop to get Lotto and just as we were turing the corner, for no rhyme or reason I quipped loudly 'That guy looked hot dint he?' I had to I hadnt said anything since he left and immediately Heni was elbowed me. Ouch!! I looked up and guess who was standing at the corner, yes Abu with HIS GIRLFRIEND!! He had a huge grin on his face. I felt like an idiot but managed to say in an even louder voice 'U know who I am talking about, that guy from yesterday night, he was nice wasnt he?'. Heni played along. Hope I salvaged the situation, ah who cares, am really not bothered actually. We said hello to him and his gf and walked past them. Think the gf gave me the daggers. I dont blame her.

Came back and dinner was ready. I set up the table nicely with appropriate dinner set and a nice rose champagne which was borrowed from Connor. I had to I was playing the waitress for their rendezvous. Mac was late and we were both getting very hungry. Heni made everybody promise not to squeal on her as she had told Mac that she cooked the dinner all by herself. The entire household obliged. He came around our place at about 5pm and as soon as he walked through the door everybody started singing 'Happy Birthday'. We all had a good meal. Shafi had a call from that Asian dude confirming that he is taking the room next month. Me and heni gave each other knowing looks and smiled. heheheh.

We all decided to go to Gallery, the new bar at Hendon. First went to Mackeis' place for a few drinks first. Apparently Rahuls' boss gave him 85 bottles of Barcadi Breezer free!! I promised myself I am NOT going to drink as I am still recovering from flu.

So we were in Macs' place. Rahul and Rohit (twins) were there. I sort of had a tiff with Rahul as we just didnt meet eye to eye when we first met at Brandys' birthday two weeks back. Rahul doesnt know how to talk to a woman, he talks to everybody like he talks to a man. He works in a bar, what can you expect? I sympathise with him cos I too was like that when I was managing my moms' pub years ago in sg. The bar atmosphere slowly brain washes you, you get very cynical of people cos you see everything as how it is. But still no excuse for talking to me in that manner.

Rohit on the other hand is the sweeter one. Since it was Macs' birthday I decided to not be bitchy to Rahul. More people came in, 3 Greek girls, a Black guy from South Africa, 2 Asian guys. Me and heni didnt like the Greek girls and I think it was the same from their side as well. The black guy was laid back, so he was cool. I didnt like one of the Asian guy. Heni liked both the Asian guys and was trying to potray them in a good light but i wasnt budging. We all had some drinks and made our way to Gallery. Harry was already waiting for us at the queue, bless him. I was already on my third Barcadi Breezer as we were walking to the bar. We got there and couldnt get in. There were 11 of us and Harry had got into the bar by then. So there we were freezing our butts in the cold, and I walked up to the bouncer and played my girlie card. And we all got in ;-)

We were having drinks and having a really good time. For some reason me and Rahul were getting along indeed, must be the alcohol. And that Asian guy whom I didnt like, he was all over one of the Greek girls and HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND!! What a pig!! I know I know I get like that, I believe that if one is in a relationship however serious or not serious should stay exclusive to that person he/she is seeing. If you choose to muck about, then be single and do whatever you want. How mean how emotionally dependent and insecure can you be eh, be in a relationship and still piss about with someone else. I loathe people like that. Me and Heni exchanged knowing looks again which only meant 'I told you so girl'. She gave me the 'U bitch' look and I gave her a smirk and we just laughed it off.

There is this policy of making it uncomfortable for anybody to hit on the people in our group just for the fun of it. For example, if a girl hits on any guy in our group, its standard for one of the girls in our group to stand next to the guy and fool around with him and vice versa. I know its cruel but its really bloody amusing!!

Every night out is not complete without people laughing at my expense. Was sitting and yapping away with Rahul and Heni when an Asian guy (from the bar) came by and said 'R u having a good time?'. Immediatedly, Rahul and Heni stopped talking and turned their attention to this guy. I said 'yes, r u having a good time?' He said 'Been having a good time, ever since I started checking you out'. I cringed, and I could hear Heni and Rahl trying to contain their laughter. The guy left. A few minutes later, he came by again, this time he had two shot glasses in his hand. He hands it to me and says 'Try it'. I hate drinks which are bitter so I go without thinking 'Is it sweet?' Rahul and Heni lost it and started laughing. Idiots!! Meanwhile Harry came and stood next to me like he was my bouncer. It was Sambooka and vodka, it tasted quite nice actually. I said 'Thank you' and with the looks Harry was giving him, he left and didnt come back.

We left the Gallery at about half one and went back to Macs' place. The twins had made 'Bisibelabath' its Sambar rice with poppadum. It was soooooooooooooooo nice. I love home-cooked food and nothing beats typical vegetarian South Indian food. After which Rohit walked me back home. It was a good night out. I enjoyed myself and I didnt get too mashed.

Slept til 2 the next day and my throat was hurting like hell. Dwayne came around 3 in the afternoon and spent the whole day with me . He even missed the game with his beloved Man U against Chelsea. Man U won the match, thank god for that!!

I am SICK-Day3

Its day three and my throat hurts like hell plus. I havent eaten anything proper for the past 3 days and my weight has gone down to 57kg from 60kg. Well I must admit I am pleased cos ever since I had moved into Shafis' place I had gone up from 53kg to 60kg and I have been trying to lose weight since but to no avail. I guess thats the only good thing about being sick, one loses wieght!!

I almost vomitted in my sink, nothing came out. But from the reluctant tasting of the aftermath taste in my mouth I think its bile mixed with some Lemsip. Yuk.

Been stuck in the house for the past 3 days and I am feeling useless. The weather is not helping as well.

Just want to get better, all the more miss home!!

I am SICK!!!

Woke up feeling miserable, I think I have the flu. Must be due to last Saturday when I went out without covering myself up properly. Its winter now and i was out wearing a light jacket!!

Oh I hate to be sick, especially when I am not in a relationship. I know i know its quite selfish of me but isnt that one of the benefits of being in a relationship-To love til one of us find someone better, to hold in sickness and to care until one of us of break up. Hmm very cynical I agree... not true, I dont think so !!

So there I am lounging at home sipping Lemsip, talking to Shafi whilst she is cooking again!! mutton briyani for Eid. My throat hurts so bad, i cant even swallow my own spit (gross!!) doubt I can eat her food. Damn you throat!!

Dragged myself to clean up my room and propped on my bed to watch 'Parineeta' for the millionth time. I love Saif Ali Khan and I like the social setting of Bengal in the 1960s. Bengali women in my opinion have very strong character, I reckon its something thats entwined in their culture. I admire the subtle dominance they have over the men in their life and they are very pro women. I guess they are the only women who use their feminity to the fullest. I am not saying this in a bad way but rather in an amusing way. Plus I have always had a affiliation for the Calcutta Kali. Oh why am I talking about Bengal, Im sick.

So there I was drooling over Saif when Dwayne knocked on me door. Ah bless. I was glad to have his company and he did'nt mind being within my sneeze-reach...ah bless him even more.

Diwali

Called home and both my brothers have gone to EXPO, spoke to my dad he was very upset with me for not coming back home for the festive season, actually for good! Wormed myself out of that converstaion and had a less than 10 second converstaion with my mom.

Rakesh is helping his brother-in-law at the EXPO, hmmm wonder if my brothers will bump into him. I love EXPO, hehehe as a teenager I was banned from being seen at the EXPO. My parents were very strict and they wouldnt let me go to Serangoon road on my own then let alone to EXPO. Their reasoning 'There will be lots of boys making trouble, plus if any of our relatives see you there, they would think bad about you, roaming around 'Thekka' without your parents. So dont go. Period.' I never did go except with my parents or relatives. Ok ok I did sneak there many a times and never got caught.

I love Diwali. We all get up very early and have nutmeg put on our hair and head for our showers, followed by prayers and then the adorning of new clothes. Then we all go to temple for the early prayers and come back home for breakie. There will always be a local Diwali TV show, tamil movies and food. Oh I love food!!! All the home made cakes, biscuits and Indian sweets. I could eat all day. The whole day is just spent lazing around the house in total indulgence. The next day me and my brothers would go visiting our relatives. The best part about this was that we get so much money from uncles and aunties and their guests who are already in their houses. A good collection usually fetches me between $500-$700. Ah bliss!! Gone are the days, now I end up giving money to my family, cousins and nieces.

I havent really celebrated Diwali in 7 years, since I came here. Wish I was home!! I have come to realise that even if your in heaven, if you loved ones are not there it is not worth the while.

Will be going to Neasden temple later on to do some prayers for the family. Happy Diwali family and everyone..

Brandys' Birthday

Got up at about ten and came down to find the entire house swarmed with food, party decoration and gifts. Heni was in the lounge packing kiddy bags and Shafi, cooking mutton briyani and some other food for the party at half one. Kelly, Charlotte and Brandy were there helping out, by helping out I mean eating the food.

I quickly went to check the mails and YES MY SUIT WAS HERE!! I was so glad, now I can get dressed in my Indian. The next 3 hours was spent pumping balloons and decorating the house with banners and stuff!! The bouncy castle arrived at about noon and everybody (me, heni and kelly) got excited about the delivery guy. We were all trying to be helpful and shamelessly flirted with him. He got very embarrassed and he was fumbling about whilst trying to set the bouncy castle in the garden!! hahahah

Next task was getting Brandy ready. She is a difficult child and we had a huge row a few days ago so it was going to be a tough job. Surprisingly she was co-operative which was nice for a change. She looked lovely. The kids started to arrive soon after. There was Holly dressed as Snow White, Manish (my favorite)dressed as an Asian(what else), James as spidy, Emma as a belly dancer, Rebecca as a princess (another favourite). They all looked so cute and lovely. I love children. For a moment they made me want to have a kid of my own, but only for a moment.

The party went on very smoothly and the kids started dispersing after 5, after which my mates, started arriving. We all started drinking, eating and having some very deep converstaions til about 9pm and then we made our way to the Greyhound Pub (Old people bar). For some reason I was getting this bad feeling that it was going to be a bad night out. Anyway we were there til about quarter to eleven when somebody suggested checking out this new bar Galleria in Hendon. We all jumped into two cars and headed to Galleria. The place was too bright and very boring. So we left and went to this private party held in an old converted church in Hendon. We went in there and 'Oh my God' it was like 1980s' had exploded in there. The atmosphere was soooooooo gothic punk plus everybody was dressed in Halloween costumes, vampires, witches and all. I freaked out I didnt want to touch anything nor drink anything from there. One old lady started gyrating infront of Rahul, he was so embarrassed but he obliged by moving with her... it was soooo funny. An another old lady (yup,the whole place was filled with old people and very odd-looking young people) was doing pole dancing with another old man. Oh god, it was a sight, we all ended up laughing at other peoples' expense.

It was a fairly good night out, I had a fairly good time. Ah guess it was one of those straight forward basic night out!!

Chronicles of a Vampire Lover

Have always loved vampires ever since I was young. I can't really put my finger exactly why, but I have always been fascinated. Not to be mistaken, I do like them, but without all the gory bits. I am not trying to draw any unwanted attention from ANY unwanted/unknown sources here. And no, I havent met any nor do I want to meet a vampire, well I wouldnt mind if they dont attempt to bite me or scare the shit out of me. And yes, I do know that vampires are fictional.

My first introduction to these beings started in the late 70s. My father and I would watch old horror movies starring Christopher Lee. My father and I both agree that Christopher Lee was born to play vampire roles, his tranluscent face, his blood-shot eyes, his almost float-like walk, his slow monotonous dialouges, his voice, ahhhh totally spooked me as a child. I use to get very bothered watching Lee in action and my father would divert my attention by telling me anecdotes from the movie. One was that Christopher Lee wears some kind of a charm-like brass bracelet for protection whilst shooting movies which he eventually started wearing in real-life too. 'Protection? From who?' I asked my Dad and he gave me this look which only meant 'You know from who'. A few years back, I saw an interview of Lee and I did see him wearing some kind of brass bracelet. Aikes!!!

Like all teenagers I went through my rebellious period experimenting with the other side. By experimenting I mean doing loads of reading and researching, mostly out of curiosity, on vampires but NEVER actually going through any of it. I use to see 'Lost Boys', 'Monster Squad', 'Once bitten' and of cos MJs' 'Thriller' and started developing a huge crush on actors who play vampire roles. I liked that dark, mysterious, cold, sexy, rebellious, edgy and misunderstood persona that was potrayed by movie-makers during that era. Hahaha, these movies totally sealed it for me and so started a life-time attraction.

There was this Chinese guy called Bernard in my class during my Secondary School years. He dabbled in some kind of cult and once he made my friend speak in tongue. She passed out after that and within seconds the edges of my hair caught fire for no reason. It was put out but my friend, she was weird for a full week. She came to school wearing an inverted cross!! She was eventually brought to a priest. Nobody in my class messed with Bernard after that even for fun. But a whole lot of girls found him to be totally attractive after that incident.

Then there were movies like 'Queen of the Damned', Bram Stokers' 'Dracula', 'Blade', 'Interview with the Vampire, 'Crow' and 'Van Helsing'. There was Stuart Townsend playing Lestat in the movie 'Queen of the Damned', he was seen throughout the movie with pale whiter than white face, stringy hair, dark circles under his eyes, blood on his lips and still managing to look soooo hot. And Wesley Snipes in 'Blade' playing the cool vampire who wants to save mankind, Brandon Lee in 'Crow' avenging his girlfriends' murder, Hugh Jackman and that sweet Frankenstein in 'Van Helsing', Gary Oldman searching for his true love in 'Dracula' and of cos my husband Brad Pitt playing Louis de Pointe du Lac in 'IWTV', can you honestly blame me?

Such deep, complex and realistic characters. Characters with dark sides yet still trying to find a balance. Its not the struggle with good and bad but rather constant battle within that makes me want to reach out. And as for me its knowing that I will never know which still keeps me interested and intrigued.

I do know that however pointless it may be, the search, Im afraid will still continue...

I am so upset with my mom!!

'What you can't send me the suit? Ok fine then!! Forget that I asked'. I hung up my phone and I shrugged it off thinking she is lazy to mail it to me. I had called my mom to ask her to send me this black punjabi suit(the only suit that I have and my favourite). I wanted to wear it for Brandys' birthday (my landlady Shafs' 5-yr old grand-daughter) It's on the 29th October 2005 and we are having a Bollywood theme. It's going to be fun with 20 5-yr old running in the house dressed up in cheesy Bollywood clothes(i say cheesy here becos most kids are going to be Caucasian)and I wanted to be dressed in my Indian.

So I got Mara(my bros' friend from sg)to go to my house and pick up my suit and mail it to me. I got a text from Mara, 'Your mom doesnt want to give the suit, what to do huh?' and my moms' reasoning, 'I told her to come back, why isnt she in sg yet?' I hit the roof, I called up my bro(at about 3am sg time and he was playing pool!!!) and said 'You know this is the resaon why I don't want to come back. Is she trying to embarrass me infront of people or what, treating me like a child?? U know I am so pissd off at her. No, I dont want you to talk to her. Just get my suit and give it to Mara so that she can post it to me'. Admist my bros' feeble attempt to calm me down he agreed to give it to Mara.

Its been two days now and its too late to send my suit. I am not going to get the suit now before 29th.

I do whatever they want me to do, never forget any of my family members' birthday, always send them gifts from UK but when I want them to send me stuff from sg they totally ignore it. Actually this is the first time I had asked them to send me something in the past 5 years. When my brother was in Delhi doing his Film Studies my mom use to send him foodstuff, ASIAN FOODSTUFF. Can you believe her sending asian foodstuff to someone in INDIA!!! But me, oh no I dont get anything not even a postcard from home.They do it all the time with me. Even when I am back home, the novelty wears off after 7 days and then its back to square one.

I was speaking to Mara and was airing out my frustrations and she said your mom is upset because you kept on postponing your trip. The last time you said you were coming in August your mom went out and bought new sheet, beddings, did your room and even got a new computer for your room and she is upset that its October now and you are still not finalising your plans to come to Singapore. I gulped! and I felt so bad. I regretted talking to my mom in that tone.

I am sooooooooo upset with myself.

Black slang

Had a rather interesting conversation about black history with this guy I got to know recently. In the midst of the conversation he said, 'That's how we do it' and I said, 'You know I can never understand your weebles' lingo. I just dont get it'. He looked at me with amusement. I said,'You just said that's how "we" do it, me being the outsider, I am wondering why the hell are you saying "we" and I am thinking to myself right how many people are actually in his head. Dont misunderstand me I am not trying to diss the way you talk or trying to be out of pocket here nor am I making any racial/racist remark, all I am saying is that i don't understand the reasoning behind most of the words used by blacks and I want to make some sense or reasoning behind it'.

He smiled and I must admit he has a beautiful smile which made me smile(actually grin like a pig) :) and his accent... I had always been a sucker for the British accent. Damn!! Coming back to the story.

Spoke about this incident to another mate and this was what he had to say, 'That's the problem with people, everybody is quick to say they don't understand things they don't want to understand, for example you know when somebody goes on and on about something people use the expression "yada yada"'. I nodded. He continued, 'Can you explain to me what sense you can make from the words "yada yada"?, but just because it's used in the mainstream it becomes acceptable for someone to connect "yada yada" as someone who is going on and on but when we say woompty woomp instead of the usual "yada yada" it becomes an issue, it's just all so hypocritical, don't you think?'. I sat there thinking yeah he does have a point I can't make any sense or reasoning of the word 'yada yada' but I use it anyway to refer to someone who talks alot and I have come across some of my black mates use the word 'Woompty woomp' and I had thought, 'What was that all about?'.

Like the word 'whack' (which should'nt be confused with 'getting whacked') means bad or crazy. In my native tougue, Tamil, we have been known for many many centuries to use 'whack' pronounced 'uwack' followed by the opening the mouth and sticking out your tongue like you just had the worlds' most bitter stuff put in your mouth. But when I first heard the word I thought, 'Jeez what's up with this blacks? Can't they simply say bad?', while I smirked secretly cos it sounded like 'uwack' thinking whatever happened to originality homie.

Whenever I see a child I go 'What is it? What is it?' loudly but in a loving manner (mainly to scare the shit out of the child so that he/she would be scared and would want me to pick him/her up and I rather enjoy carrying a scared child...I know I know Im a bully) Groups of black men greet each other loudly by saying 'What is it? What is it?'. Though I am sure it is not done to scare the shit out of one another so that they can be hugged by another bloke, but its their way of expressing themselves.

I once met a friend of mine in Oxford Street rolling deep. He was yelling at the top of his voice 'What's burbalating shortie?' I knew shortie referred to a girl but, burbalating, god i didnt know what it meant. I am not going to say 'huh' and make a fool of myself I would lose my ghetto credibility (hahaha), so i turned around and said, 'Shopping, whats burbalating with you dawg?' and he goes 'Marinating girl and you?' Aikes marinating? whatever that means. I yelled back and played my 'Girlie' card, 'Stop pussyfooting around, park your beamer and bring me to lunch'. Later on I understood burbalating and marinating meant happening and chilling respectively. I told this incident to my Hungarian mate and she said that shes' familiar with the expression 'marinating' as its widely used in her native language but couldnt fathom burbalating. Marinating, yeah I can understand why, think of a chicken left to marinate overnight. The chicken does nothing but just chill overnight does'nt it, but burbalating, nah I cant get my head around to it. So much for living in the projects eh.

It is amazing how people love to listen to Black music, appreciate black culture, enjoy holidays in the African and Caribbean continents, enjoy African/West Indian food, applaud the physical beauty of black people yet they still do have their reservations of Black people as a whole. There is this Asian friend of mine who dresses like a Black, talk like he is from the ghetto, hangs out with mostly black people and listen to rap/gangater music yet when his sister started dating a black man, he went ballistic. People do copy the blacks in every aspect. I see White women spending so much money on getting themselves tanned, many women Asian/White and Chinese get themselves enhanced surgically so that they have the bootilicious and babelicious attributes of black women. White/Asian/Chinese men on the other hand dress up like black men with their way too baggy jeans and tops. They have also started accessorizing themselves with ridiculously expensive jewellery, flashy cars and living it large. Though the whole world is watching with scrutinity, unfortunately, it is not for the purpose of copying black people to make them look good.

So I guess there is a hypocrite in everyone of us including black people as well, we use words that are used in the mainstream even though it doesnt make any real sense but we still use it cos we get used to it, but when it comes to something thats not mainstream we slate the originality and tend to have our own opinions and critisisms.

Truth and understanding never hurt anyone and they are the foundations upon which we begin to rebuild relationships to those outside our home culture. Most agree that all cultures must better understand each other. These expressions that are known to be 'black slang' is evident in all languages and cultures. While the rest of the world use these expressions in their own native languages, the blacks, on the other hand are bold enough to put them on the global map making it part of the English language, even though they get ridiculed by it. I reckon the worst slang of it all is stereotyping-fullstop.

Staying true (or should I say 'Staying Real')
A Non-Black.

My room is not clean

I am bored
my room is not clean!!
I am feeling lazy
Want to pig out but,
i dont want to pile the pounds
Want to go gym,
but I simply cant be arsed
Want to go back home
but the time has not come
Want to get pissed
but i have a reputation to keep
I am bored and
my room is not clean!!!

A Tribute To:-The Love Of My Life

The year was 1995 and I had just arrived to Leicester. I was due to start term at Leicester Uni. It was somewhere during late October. I was walking down to Mary Gee Houses(Uni. Accom.) and was taking a very different route as I wanted to get to know the area better. I had just passed by 'Poppadam' an Indian rest. I was thinking to myself what a cool name for an Indian restaurant when I passed by this person.

She looked tiny, scared and lost. I walked past her and I sensed her following me. I spun around and asked 'R u lost?', she seem frightened and meekly said 'Yes'... I continued 'Where you heading?' and she answered 'Mary Gee House' and I said 'I am staying there too, we can walk together' and started chatting with her. She didn't seem into the converstaion but we exchanged the normal plesantries.

We reached Mary Gee house and I was quite annoyed that she left without a thank you. I shrugged and went to my room. A few days later, somebody came looking for me. It was her. I was quite taken aback as to how somebody can be so prudent and visit without first informing. But I was quietly pleased she came around, cos I was new and I was very bored. She came by my room and plonked on my bed like she was in one of her best friends' room, I wrote it off saying maybe people here are like that. I guess its the ease we felt with each other made us what we are today.

The visits became regular and she always visited me at about ten and chatted til about 3/4 in the morning. We spoke on anything and everything, mostly religion and politics. She grew customed to my pasta with egg and cheese, I know it sounds yucky but she loved it. Once I was cooking my pasta(what else) in the kitchen when some guy offered her weed and she freaked out.(hahahah) My flatmates(practising Greek orthodox and a French jew), both use to give her weird looks as she is a Muslim. I remember her not giving a toss. She would irritate them more by staying longer than she would, especially, if they are in my room. I loved her for that spirit in her.

We shared numerous moments of laughter. She use to like this song 'Chalte Chalte'(remixed version nonetheless) from the movie 'Pakeezah'. She was very much in love with someone at that time and she use to say how beautiful that song was and translated it to me in English. I must admit I started liking the song too. We once watched 'PAKEEZAH' at the Common House at about 2 in the morning. We were'nt suppose to go to the Common House after 12midnight but we did anyway. We sneaked in and watched the movie with very little sound. It was fun, the songs from the movie was beautiful, movie though was a drag but the company...wonderful.

She was a very slim built person but she always complained she was fat(irony is that now she is fat but thinks she looks fab...hahahaha)... She used to go on silly diets. She loved going to Snappers(our Uni Canteen)to scoff down their deliciously rich chocolate cake. Food, hmmm thats one thing she could never ever live without.

She would drag me to the Islamic talks at the Uni. and I would always oblige. We would always stuff our faces after the talks and walk back home discussing the events. Once I wanted to go to a gig at the ASYLUM(uni bar) and I dragged her to come with me, she wouldnt come in with me but waited for me outside. I remember being all hyped and went in for about 10 minutes(it could have been more, but i cant remember) and I came out. She was out there sitting and chatting with some people. I told her Im done and we went back home. I had always loved that incident.

Once I got sick and she had to go back to Manchester. It was Eid or someone's wedding I cant remember but she constantly called me to find out how i am. I told her I was missing home food and she brought me back a huge portion of Chicken Briyani that her mom made. :)

I remember going to The Shires(Shopping mall in Leicester), Belgrave Road(A road bursting with asian shops equivalant to Serangoon Road in Singapore), movies, restaurants (only the ones which doesnt serve alcohol though now she has become more relaxed)

After my foundation year I went back home and didnt come back til 1997. I remember her calling me at the end of Sept 1996 and scolding me for not returing to Uni. She had made a huge effort to get hold of me then cos I wasnt at home most of the time. I was helping out in my moms' pub then and she called me at home and then to the pub a few time for a couple of days before she finally reached me. I eventually did returned, but went to Cambridge to continue my studies. But I never lost in touch with her.

Once I got the usual call from her, but this time she was quite upset. She was going on and on about this 'gora' who told her to 'F' off at the petrol station whilst she was trying to get in. She went ballistic becos there were children at the back of his car and she was riding with her 2 brothers(ages 5 then), she was saying that the guy was setting a bad example to his kids and went on and on about rude parents. She said 'I was so pissed off at him that I gave him the 'up yours' sign, I cant believe how people are, he brought out the worst in me, cant believe how people behave with kids'... I started laughing and said 'You did what he did to you and you had children in the car too didnt you?'... She stopped talking and started to defend herself and then laughed with me as well.

Its been almost ten years now since I first said are you lost to her. She is one person who knows me inside out and one person who has always been there for me. If I were to ever leave UK for good, the only thing I will miss is her. I love her to bits and she is the closest thing next to family, my friend, my soulmate and yes the true love of my life.

Legendary Matchmaker??!!

Who are you?? Tried going to your site to leave a comment but you obviously covered your tracks proper...http://none/... indeed (why, guess i will never know??)!! hence me writing this blog...It better be not you, Kenneth Decker

And if it wasnt then, to respond to your comments Mr Legend, he would'nt be, and he himself knows why. (plus I know that dawg aint earning a 100 grand/annum... hehehe) But thank you very much for your humble suggesstions.

I always welcome people with critical and constructive comments/opinions with pun or in your case a one-liner.

And thank you for dropping by. I would love to drop by your blog but i guess A LEGEND like yourself only exsist on an imaginary plane??

Take care and stay true

Proto-type Of My Ideal Man

1. Between 32-35 and single.
2. Degree or above.
3. Stable job earning above £100 000/annum.
4. Own car and property (possessing more than one car/property will not be a problem)
5. If number (2) and (3) does not apply then must be well-learned and a self-made man or the only-born to a family of affluence.
6. Well-travelled and well read.
7. Good-looking and smart. Above 1.65 in height.
8. Healthy, lean and fit.
9. Physique of a football player.
10. Full head of healthy hair and good set of sparkling teeth.
11. Great smile, good complexion.
12. Well kept hands and feet.
13. Good dress sense. Be able to carry any clothes/style with ease
and sophistication.
14. Excellent personal hygiene and always smell divine.
15. Non-smoker and mild social drinker.
16. Carry himself during social events.
17. Good conversationalist.
18. Constructive but not extreme views.
19. A little attitude.(which only I am able to keep at bay)
20. Knows his priorities. (ie.ME after his immediate family)
21. Idiosyncrasies which I am fond of.
22. Respected by family, friends and peers.
23. Humble, kind, patient, understanding and charitable.
24. Food lover and know his food well.
25. Like anything and everything in black and white
26. An affiliation to the 40s/50s and 60s/70s era.
27. Love Frank Sinatra (but does not attempt to sing him)
28. Should'nt try too hard on the dance floor.
29. Like Alfred Hitchcock and old black and white movies.
30. Able to bitch with me and be inquisitive about whats happening with things that doesnt concern him.
31. Carry handkerchief NOT tissue
32. Have all qualities of my Dad.
33. Like jazz music
34. Able to pull a pink tshirt/shirt or polo confidently
35. Look cool at all times and ravishing when angry/mad
36. Play tennis, footie or golf or any other sport that does inflict extreme physical damage
37. Does yoga, likes aestheticsm and goes to gym
38. Spiritual but not entirely religious
39. Good masseur.
40. One large tattoo preferably on his bicep or back(a tiny tatoo of my name would be nice but I know Im pushin it here)
41. No body piercings of any kind
42. Not an aquarian (horoscope)
43. Know how to break my back without inflicting any extreme pain
44. An excellent cook and surprise me daily with gourmet food
45. My Dad must genuinely like him enough to say 'He is a good person'
46. Genuinely like and get along well with my Dad
47. A resourceful and good father
48. Attention to detail
49. Be my best friend
50. Quiet strength not in a physical sense but in character
51. Honourable and committed to a cause he stands by
52. Cheeky but not sleazy.
.... the list will continue

9th October 2005

It was my birthday yesterday. As usual I put on my 'bitch' cap and got all critical and analytical of me, my lifestyle, where i am in life right now etc etc etc...!!

So there I was Saturday night at about 6ish doing a self-evaluation of myself and depressing myself further. I was dreading to go out later on but I have to oblige and I cant possibly not turn up!! I was cursing myself for not faking a heart attack and reluctantly got all dolled up. I dragged myself to a long dinner with someone I hardly knew and then met my mates at Carnaby Street... The night was nerve-wrecking(for me) with me trying to feel all happy and excited becos its my BIRTHDAY!! while all i wanted to do was curl up at home in my Pjs' in my bed(i know that sounds sad)... It was an average night but I did get mashed to ease me :)

The night ended with much enthusiasm(sic)we were going back home to Hendon and passed by MR BAKER(a jewish bakery) on Brent Street. It was about 2am and all the jewish shop opens after Sabbath. The guy who works there once told me to come there to get free coffee and bagels, so we(5 of us) strided in our drunken stupor and demanded our freebies!!

We all settled on our uncomfy high stools talking about everything and anything irrelevant. I was quite surprised that people(mostly Jews and drunk) were walking into the shop to do their purchase at that time. Hmm....what were they doing partying eh on a sabbath night...tuk tuk... Mid-way I was getting sleepy and I was resting my head on the table.

Two groups of rather good-looking lads came in and I dont know how it started but they started arguing. My ears quickly perked up upon the brawl, hoping that there would be some action. The situation got very tensed and they started slagging people from Temple Fortune!! until one of the lads said ' Why you being racist to me man, I am Jewish too'...Ha!!

I started laughing my head off and nearly fell of my chair, God it hurts when ur at the other end of the stick doesnt it!! The whole bakery went silent and all I can hear is me laughing(even my mates stopped talking). I died!! I shut up instantly and sheepishly said 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TODAY!!'...

One of the men said something in Hebrew, admist muffles and some smirks a few of them gave me a peck on my cheek and said 'Happy Birthday' and sang happy birthday in hebrew(sic) ... I was so red with embarrassment.. They eventually dispersed after buying their bread/cakes/bagels but my mates just didnt let that incident go. They repeated the story to everyone they saw the next day...ahh the joys of having friends who thrive upon ur slips!!

The next afternoon I got up with a few voice mesaages from Singapore. Called the family and assured them I am still alive and well. My landlady, Shaf bought me a bunch of flowers, cake, chocolates, a bottle of champagne and a card. I was so touched!!

Later on in the evening, Kenneth came around. He dropped by because I didnt pick up his calls. He stayed til about half ten and just when he was about to leave I told him its my birthday. I had to IT WAS MY BIRTHDAY!!! And yes he did'nt remember. He felt bad and I felt nice!!! heheheheh...actually no I felt more bad that he didnt remember my birthday... Ah LIFE!!!

Another day, another year.. another wrinkle... Oh sod it!!

Fashion victims!!!

Whatever happened to wearing what you like and still looking cool as a cat despite looking like a badly bitten dog??

Boho chic??!! My father plainly said 'Beggar-like', my politically correct(and always correct) mom of mine gently put it down as 'Gypsy-like', my bro(older one) said with much glee 'Why u tryG so hard' whilst my younger one sat there smiling knowingly...meanwhile i was screaming my head off saying 'Leave Me Alone'...

My family, they always have something to say about my dress sense in fact anybodys' dress sense. Whats up with that!! I am an adult and I should be able to wear what I want and how I want. I could never make a comment on anybodys' dress sense, I mean how patronising is that?

I was never one of those fashion victims and I never judged anybody on their appearance. Though I must admit I did rush out to buy the waistcoat a few months back when it hit the high streets, only to discover that the trend had gone back by leaps and bounds to the sulty 40s Holloywood glamour(think fur, fur and more fur), to very girly and sweet/cute girl-next door, after which proceeded to long pencil skirts, tailored blouses buttoned up to the neck looking a la nerdy librarian and then very quickly changed to looking like a mafia girlfriend with tailored pants and the trilby. I do have all these clothes sitting in my cupboard bearing testament to my impulse purchases and highly calculated possessions but a fashion victim I am not.

I remember hiding all my 'ghetto/urban', well my dad found the clothes and nearly had a fit. I had to calm him down by sayG 'no pa its my girlfriends'...she is hummm hmm black and you know how they dress... They have a distinctive way of expressing themselves through their clothes'... Little did I realise that I was doing all these whilst reprimanding my younger bro for wearing clothes which I think (still do actually) make him look like a gypsy beggar who is trying so hard...and yes he was screaming 'LEAVE ME ALONE'